Relational Spaces and the Disciple Cycle

Not every kind of space is conducive to making friends. In the past I've talked about the four relational spaces and how they function online, but if anything, they are more important for real-life interaction. The four spaces are: public, social, personal and intimate. Notice how the different steps of the Disciple Cycle are grouped by the types of relational space. Meeting, connecting and making friends happens in the public and social spaces. Meeting and connecting with people can happen in the public space or the social space, but really making friends typically only happens in the social space.

Once you're already friends with a person, then you enter the personal space. This is where questions are alright. Obviously the better you know someone, the deeper the questions can go. But questions about the existence of God or the meaning of life are typically not good for the social space and are definitely not alright for the public space.

You want to match the tone of the relationship to the type of space you're in. If you meet up with friends at a concert, don't try to start a discussion about religion or spirituality. Public spaces are much more well suited to talking about the weather, sports and the new movie coming out this weekend. If you're in a social space, there is some room for deeper questions, but you probably shouldn't lead the conversation in that direction. Let your friends set the tone. If they want to hash out the church's stance on abortion, go ahead and share your thoughts.

The important thing to remember is that each space has a level of solidity to the statements made. So statements made in the public space are not open for discussion while things said in the personal or intimate spaces have a lot of opportunity for change.

• Public - Positional statements that cannot be challenged without sparking an argument.  
• Social - Rehearsed statements that don't necessarily lead to argument, but aren't up for in-depth discussion. 
• Personal - I-Think statements that are qualified as personal thoughts, but are still defended as positional statements. 
• Intimate - I-Feel statements that are qualified by emotions and can give insight into the principles that underlie positions. 

The closer to public the space is, the more calcified the statements will be. There's really no room to move with positional and rehearsed statements. You can get to know people, but they don't lend themselves to good questions. It's only once you start to get into the freedom of I-think and I-feel statements that honest questions can be a part of the friendship. 

The Disciple Cycle

The Disciple Cycle starts with us giving up the task of trying to convert people. Then, we need to learn how to be disciples ourselves. So, when we start making friends, we can invite them into the life of a disciple. It's not an artificial move, but an invitation based on a relationship and natural observation.

Once we're friends with someone it can take months or years before they are ready to have a spiritual conversation. Your job is to be transparent and available without being pushy. They need to know that you love Jesus and that you're his disciple, but you don't try to force them to think or act in any way. You love them as they are, for who they are, with no strings attached.

I'm writing all of this knowing that any of my non-Christian friends may read it. There's nothing to hide here, they should already know who I am and what I do, and (here's the important part) they should feel comfortable being themselves around me. Because I'm a disciple of Jesus, doesn't mean I can't be friends with non-Christians (Jesus was great at being friends with the people labeled sinners by the religious establishment). Guess what, not all of Jesus "sinner" friends were converted by him. Some of them had fun at the party, enjoyed the wine that he provided (he made some good wine) and went on their way. Jesus didn't run and stop them, he didn't make them feel uncomfortable, he just kept loving them and going to parties with them.

However, if a friend is interested in your spiritual journey, you should be ready to share. Here's the trickiest, touchiest and scariest part of the whole process: let them ask any question. Remember that the life of a disciple starts with questions. When you invite your friends to see your life, they get to ask questions too. But their questions may be different from the ones you're used to asking or hearing. That's OK. It's fine. There are no off-limits questions in the disciple life. God isn't afraid of us asking anything.

Here are some of the questions I've heard:

• Why does God hate Jesus and kill him? 
• Isn't the bible controlled by the Vatican? How can we trust it?
• Did Jesus have wet dreams? 
• Don't all religions point to the same goal? 
• Why would you want to go to heaven anyway? 
• Can the church give me money for my marijuana to help me get off meth?
• Isn't God kind of like an abusive husband? 

Note, all of these are real questions asked by real people who seriously wanted an answer. You cannot laugh, mock, scoff or scorn questions unless you want to damage the relationship. It's also a bad idea to try to answer the question outright. First off, you probably don't know the answer, and secondly, that's not the disciple process. You don't ask questions and then get answers. The process of searching and discovery is powerful and important. Don't try to short-circuit the process to help your friends or to prove that you're so smart. 

I would respond with: "That's a great question. Can you tell me more about what you mean by it?"

Then, just keep digging as long as you can. What you're doing is acting as a sounding board for your friend to explore their own thoughts on the subject. One of the best ways to start searching for an answer is to have a clearly stated question. If you help your friend to state their question well, then you've invited them to take the next step of the disciple journey. 

What are some of the best questions you've heard? 

Beg the Question

Look for the question that lies behind overt statements. Especially right now as election season is gearing up toward its most rancorous, there are a lot of bold statements being bandied about.

Health care.

Bank bailouts.

Iran.

Jobs.

Debt.

All of those topics have myriad points of view from which they can be approached. Politicians will make strong assertions about them one way or another. But under those assertions lies a question that is driving the discussion. If there wasn't a question, then it wouldn't be an issue that people are talking about.

Religion.

Faith.

Women.

Homosexuality.

Money.

So many issues are really questions, at heart. As you sit in church or school or at work and you hear bold claims. Ask yourself, what's the underlying question that makes this issue something to be discussed. When you start dealing with the questions, instead of the supposed answers, then it's possible to find some common ground and, perhaps, move toward some real answers.

As long as we remain unaware of the questions that are driving everything we say and do, we'll be unable to provide any real answers.

Use Three Questions to Drive Your Presentations

Lifehacker highlights the 3Q method for creating impactful presentations.

Next time you have to create a presentation, don't go to your computer and open up PowerPoint. Instead, take out a blank sheet of paper and ask yourself "What are the three questions my audience would most likely ask me about this subject?"

When preaching, you might look for the three main questions that your church would ask about a passage of Scripture. What is Jesus saying in this passage? What is does Jesus want us to do? How will this look in our church context?

I think that too often my sermons stay in the theoretical area. I want to show off what I know of the passage, or I want to delve into the theological discussion. But what questions are really on the mind of the church? I wonder if we could ask them. I wonder if we could use our church members to clue us in to what is most important.

What are the questions your church is asking?

Social Media and Ministry

There's a lot of pressure to be connected to social media today. Sites like Facebook are very popular (it recently passed Google as the most viewed site) and it's important for churches and ministers to be connected here. But I've found that there's a real lack of understanding that keeps churches from being effective in social media. This is not an online newsletter - people can comment and connect in new ways.

Some thoughts:

• Don't take yourself to seriously. Have fun. Engage people in a real, friendly manner.
• You can't control what happens all the time. The best case scenario is for you to lose control and for people to be having their own conversations on your Facebook page. Don't fight it.
• Everyone is equal online. Just because you're the preacher, don't expect to have an more rights than anyone else. 
• The goal is not to be heard, but to transform the hearers.

A specific case comes to mind here. Recently I posted a status about women's shoes and I got a bunch of comments. A friend of mine (also a minister) lamented that people would comment about shoes, but not about godly topics. So I followed up the next day with a status about religious conversations - I got almost as many comments as the shoe status. The difference between what I asked and a lot of Christian content on Facebook is that I ask questions instead of stating a position. You won't be able to transform you hearers unless they are engaged in the process. Positional statements and citing Scripture without offering questions will kill engagement. 

Question Day

I know this is cheap, but I was called in for a temp job and I don't have much time to post.

On Monday I looked at how PowerPoint has been criticized for not being prophetic. What do you think? Does using visuals preclude preaching with a prophetic voice? Is it an all or nothing proposition?

Duke it out in the comments!

Q&A Friday

Today it's time for some healthy discussion. What questions do you have about PowerPoint, video, MediaShout, EasyWorship, podcasting, or anything else?

I want this site to be a resource for answering questions that preachers have about all these things - but how will I know unless I'm told?

Fire away!