Relational Spaces and the Disciple Cycle

Not every kind of space is conducive to making friends. In the past I've talked about the four relational spaces and how they function online, but if anything, they are more important for real-life interaction. The four spaces are: public, social, personal and intimate. Notice how the different steps of the Disciple Cycle are grouped by the types of relational space. Meeting, connecting and making friends happens in the public and social spaces. Meeting and connecting with people can happen in the public space or the social space, but really making friends typically only happens in the social space.

Once you're already friends with a person, then you enter the personal space. This is where questions are alright. Obviously the better you know someone, the deeper the questions can go. But questions about the existence of God or the meaning of life are typically not good for the social space and are definitely not alright for the public space.

You want to match the tone of the relationship to the type of space you're in. If you meet up with friends at a concert, don't try to start a discussion about religion or spirituality. Public spaces are much more well suited to talking about the weather, sports and the new movie coming out this weekend. If you're in a social space, there is some room for deeper questions, but you probably shouldn't lead the conversation in that direction. Let your friends set the tone. If they want to hash out the church's stance on abortion, go ahead and share your thoughts.

The important thing to remember is that each space has a level of solidity to the statements made. So statements made in the public space are not open for discussion while things said in the personal or intimate spaces have a lot of opportunity for change.

• Public - Positional statements that cannot be challenged without sparking an argument.  
• Social - Rehearsed statements that don't necessarily lead to argument, but aren't up for in-depth discussion. 
• Personal - I-Think statements that are qualified as personal thoughts, but are still defended as positional statements. 
• Intimate - I-Feel statements that are qualified by emotions and can give insight into the principles that underlie positions. 

The closer to public the space is, the more calcified the statements will be. There's really no room to move with positional and rehearsed statements. You can get to know people, but they don't lend themselves to good questions. It's only once you start to get into the freedom of I-think and I-feel statements that honest questions can be a part of the friendship. 

Relationship through Technology - Connecting

There are different social spaces and corresponding relationships (I've mentioned this before).

1. Public - Anonymous to surface-level relationships. Large personal bubble. Crowd sized group.
2. Social - Surface-level to friendship relationships. Smaller personal bubble. Some sharing conversation. 15-50 group
3. Personal - Friends to good-friends. Smallest personal bubble. Deep conversation. 3-12 group.
4. Intimate - Closest friends and spouse. No personal bubble. Deep sharing. 1 or 2 people besides you in the group.

Strangers are in the public space. Acquaintances are in the social space, friends are in the personal space and family is in the intimate space. As you meet people and develop a relationship with them, you move from one space to the next. Strangers become acquaintances and move from public to social space. The deeper the relationship, the smaller the relational space. So, if you're wanting to become closer friends with people, you need to manage the spaces in which you interact with them. 

I know this can sound like it's not natural, if you're calculating the growth of the relationship it seems fake somehow. But, think about dating. If you're like me, you calculated the dating encounters. I remember seeing Andrea (my wife) across the campus when we were just starting school. I liked her, but she was a stranger. Then we both happened to attend an ice cream social (social space) where I made it a point to introduce myself and talk to her. Things went well, so I asked her out on a date (personal space). It's a natural thing to work on moving relationships from one space to the next, but we aren't quite sure how to fit the space of the internet into the equation. 

Relational Space Online

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There are four traditional spaces for relationship. Each space has its own rules that our culture applies to govern the relationships in that space.

1. Public - Anonymous to surface-level relationships. Large personal bubble. Crowd sized group.
2. Social - Surface-level to friendship relationships. Smaller personal bubble. Some sharing conversation. 15-50 group
3. Personal - Friends to good-friends. Smallest personal bubble. Deep conversation. 3-12 group.
4. Intimate - Closest friends and spouse. No personal bubble. Deep sharing. 1 or 2 people besides you in the group.

Those categories are useful for real life reaction. We know precisely when something is public or personal. For example, Sunday gatherings are usually public space, bible classes and potlucks are social space, small groups are personal space and intimate space is with your spouse or best friend. 

What about interaction online? Posting a status on Facebook can feel very personal since you are typically sitting by yourself at your computer when you type it in. But then every one of your friends gets to see it, and comment on it, not just the ones in your personal sphere, but your social and even public spheres. Conversations can get intimate online (which isn't a bad thing), but when that happens in a public space that can be damaging. 

Here's a bit of practical advice for relational space online. Only post things publicly that you would also announce at a friend's party. Use the groups functions on Facebook to post more personal stuff to just your friends. Have private conversations through the chat or personal message features, not in public on someone's wall. Think of the different areas on Facebook or other social websites as actual physical spaces. The Facebook wall is the outside of the house where everyone can see. What would you put up on the wall of your house? A friend's house? If you're going to have a personal or private conversation, you go inside. 

How do you think relational spaces work online?