Introverts and Extroverts

I’m an introvert.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t like people or that I’m shy or that I’m afraid of crowds. Rather, it means that being with people takes energy from me, while being alone restores my energy. Extroverts are the opposite, they get energy from being with people and are drained by being alone. Because of that, it’s usually easier for extroverts to make friends, while it takes some effort for an introvert.

Think of it in terms of sleeping and waking; both are necessary for a proper, healthy life. Some people naturally need less sleep, they wake up chipper and excited at 5am. Other people crawl out of bed at a quarter to noon stumbling after the first cup of coffee. Neither one is wrong or bad. Both need sleep and both need to be awake.

The important thing is finding your balance and learning how you function best. Think of alone time as sleep and time with people as being awake. You can’t sleep forever and still be healthy, that’s called a coma and they put you in the hospital for it. You can’t stay awake forever and still be healthy, that’s called insomnia and they give you medicine to deal with it. You can’t stay alone forever and you can’t be with people forever. We need both to be healthy.

Introverts need to learn how to be with people and extroverts need to learn how to be alone.

Introverts

As an introvert, I sometimes need a boost to get out with people. It’s not that I don’t like it, I just need some help getting started. It’s the relational equivalent of a cup of coffee in the morning. When I’m spending time with people I need to be aware of the energy I’m expending. The more people there are and the more people I’ve never met, the more energy I expend. I can spend a long time with a few close friends, but after a couple hours with a crowd of strangers, I’m exhausted.

When I’m tired, I need to rest and recuperate. Just like someone who’s sleepy needs to go and take a nap, spending time alone is important for health. If I need to, I can stay up for a couple days or go for a week on just a few hours of sleep, but it’s not a long-term situation. If I were to try and live that way, I’d get sick, be grouchy and generally just not be a happy person. The same is true for spending time with people. If I need to, I can do a lot of it, as long as it’s for a short amount of time. Then I need to catch up on my alone time.

Introverts do a good job at being close friends with a few people. They need help meeting new people and making new acquaintances.

Extroverts

My wife is an extrovert. She loves to be with people and enjoys crowds. Sometimes she needs help to stay in and relax, even when there’s a party going on somewhere. In the same way as me being enticed to go out, I need to encourage her to stay in sometimes. Once she does relax, she’s happy about it and it’s a helpful thing, but it’s not her natural state of being.

Extroverts can’t last a long time being alone. They can do it for a short time, if necessary, but they’ll start to go a little stir-crazy after a while.

Extroverts do a good job of making new friends and meeting people. They need help creating deep friendships and slowing down.

Which are you, and introvert or an extrovert? How does it help you to be friends with people? 

I'll be a Friend Like Jesus

When I was growing up in church we sang a song entitled “I’ll be a Friend to Jesus.” It was all about loving Jesus when no one else would. But the more I think about it, the more it seems that Jesus was really good at making friends. He had no shortage of people who wanted to be his BFF (best friend forever). Jesus was constantly at dinner parties and surrounded by people who wanted to be with him. There was just something inherently friendly about Jesus. He had qualities that made people want to be with him.

Don’t always be the center of attention. Jesus knew when it was time to hang back and when it was time to take the lead. There were many parties where he was the focus and the honored guest. But when he went to a friend’s wedding, he let the bride and groom be the stars of the show. Even when Jesus performed a miracle, he kept it on the down-low so that the couple could continue to enjoy their wedding.

Want to be where the people are. Jesus often went off alone early in the morning or late at night. He knew the value of being by himself. But when he went to parties, he was in the midst of the crowd. He had conversations with Pharisees, tax collectors, teachers of the law, various sinners and even suspected prostitutes. Jesus was surrounded by people, not off in the corner hiding from conversation.

Speak the language of others. Instead of forcing everyone to talk about his topics of conversation, Jesus was able to have conversations on topics that were comfortable and familiar to the people around him. He would talk about farming or trading or politics as the situation dictated. If the people around him were deep into religious studies, he’d talk about that too. I’m convinced that if Jerusalem had a football team, Jesus would know the players and be able to talk about the game. He was well-rounded and able to converse on many different topics.

Know when to take the conversation deeper. Jesus had impeccable instincts for when to share a story or thought that would cut to the heart of an issue. When he was talking with the woman at the well in John 4, he effortlessly and insightfully found the real issues that were troubling her. He went from a surface-level conversation about the differences between Jews and Samaritans to a personal discussion of the woman’s faith and life. It takes time and skill to develop the instincts to take conversations to a deeper level; most of all, it takes a genuine love for people.

When you love people, you listen to them and want to hear what’s important to them. When they feel that love, they’ll be invited to open up and share deeper issues with you. Don’t force a conversation where it’s not going. Let it happen and be available when you friend is ready to talk.

Be comfortably awkward. Jesus brought an awkward presence wherever he went and he was comfortable with it. As a rabbi, it was uncommon for him to go and eat with those labeled as sinners. But he did it with complete confidence, not because it wasn’t awkward, but because he loved the people.

As a Christian, I’ve been to parties where I was an awkward presence, but I was comfortable with it because I loved (still do) the people at the party. Once we approached that awkward moment and moved past it, my friends were better able to see that I loved them more than I was worried about appearances.

Friendship doesn’t equate with condoning. Jesus was accused of condoning prostitution, embezzlement and blasphemy because he was friends with people who did those things. Never once did Jesus apologize or stop being friends with them. Neither did he condone things that were wrong.

I have friends who’ve done everything. I don’t condone sin, but I will continue to be their friends. I love them. It’s not my job to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong. It’s my job to be their friend. My condoning or not condoning their actions has no bearing on their lives or the lives of anyone else. What does, though, is how much I care about them and show it to them with my actions.

What other ways was Jesus a good friend? How can you be more like Jesus in your friendships? 

Making Friends

It was so easy once. When I was 9 years old I saw a kid riding his bike down my street. I asked, “Do you want to be my friend?” He agreed and we were friends. Simple.

But now, as an adult, friendship doesn’t come so naturally. I would never dream of asking someone on the street if they wanted to be friends. And if I did, I’m sure they would think it an odd proposition.

Friendship typically happens due to proximity, time and shared interests. It was easy for me to be friends with the kid on my street because we had great proximity (one house separated ours), we were children so we had plenty of time and little boys are generally interested in the same things (bikes, robots, guns, trucks, the usual).

In school it’s not much different. You’re friends with the people you spend time with in your classes and extracurricular activities – so you share an interest in track or choir and you become friends with the other people who are doing the same things. You don’t stop to think about the way that bus rides on choir tour build friendship or the regular time together working on sprints deepens your relationships. You’re just doing things and the friendships happen.

As adults, though, friendships are harder to start. Sometimes we try to hold on to the friendships of our youth. There’s a strong foundation there that we can build on, but if we lack proximity, time and shared interest, it’s difficult to keep building the friendship. Time fades the connections of the past and the old track and choir buddies from high school lose touch.

Work friends are very common. There’s a lot of time and proximity to build the relationships. Sharing interests, no matter how few, will make work friendships happen. It’s just easier to spend 8 (or more) hours a day at work when you feel a connection with the people. But most work friendships don’t survive a transfer or job change. Shared interest is, perhaps, the most important ingredient for creating friendships. The stronger the interest, the more quickly the friendships can grow.

For Jesus followers who want to be friends with non-Christians, this poses a problem. So much of church life is set up to separate and segregate Christians from non-Christians. The interests are all church-based, the activities are church-located and the time is church-focused. There’s the unspoken rule that you should be spending your time at church doing church things with church people.

If you do that, you’ll only be friends with other church people.

Sure, you might have a few work friends, but those are typically superficial relationships. A few people will really connect with coworkers, but most don’t spend any time outside work. So, if all of your interests are fulfilled by the church, you have no space for making friends with non-Christians.

How many friends do you have that are non-Christians? How did you develop those friendships?